HeatherO

What We Can Learn From an 11 year old

HeatherO on 03 8, 2009

My 11 year old son is a “toe-walker”. Simply put, he walks on his toes (on the balls of his feet) instead of with his feet flat on the ground. All children do when they first start walking, but they “are supposed to stop” around age 2. When he was in preschool, his teacher expressed concern and so I questioned his pediatrician about it (again!). In fact, every time I had seen a different doctor over the years, I had asked the same question. Each and every time, I was told “it’s nothing to be concerned about”.

When he was in the first grade, his teacher told me that one of the parents had noticed, and expressed concern. She said that he was a physical therapist, and that he had only ever seen this in patients with Muscular Dystrophy. My heart seemed to stop, and the wave of panic began. I don’t remember the rest of the conference, only calling the doctor’s office on the way home and demanding an appointment! I spent the entire weekend researching on the internet and becoming increasingly upset. My husband told me that I was overreacting and I simply pointed out that there was NOTHING on the internet that said that it was “normal”. Nowhere! Every post was either about cerebal palsy or muscular dystrophy!

On Monday morning, the pediatrician assured me (without even watching him walk by the way) that he did not have either and I really should not be concerned. Since she also said that she had “researched it over the weekend”, I decided that her opinion was not enough. I then took him to a neurologist who said that it could be for a number of reasons, but the only way to be sure was a full body MRI under general anesthesia. He said that in any case, he wouldn’t worry about it unless or until it caused a problem. He explained how he could do stretching exercises and we went on our way.

I tried a number of times to get him to do the stretches, and he replied “but I like walking this way. I would remind him occasionally to try walking on his feet, but was always careful not to make a big deal of it.

Years later I was at a March of Dimes function where I listened to the parents of their “poster child” speak about their experience with their extremely premature daughter. The proudly announced “today you would never even know that she was born so early. She has none of the typical “side effects”, she’s not even a toe-walker.” I practically tackled them on their way out to ask about the statement. Apparently that is a common side effect of being more prematurely!

As first I was angry. Why hadn’t any of the 12 doctors that I had asked told me this? In any case, I was relieved. It did not however, stop others from asking, and commenting and being concerned! Year after year, I would be questioned by others, and left feeling like I was somehow “uncaring” because I was not concerned.

At age 9, I took my son to a new pediatrician for an unrelated issue. Since it was something of a routine for me now, I asked her about it. She turned to my son and explained that when he was born, his brain simply did not tell that “part” of his body to stretch out (explanation was a bit more detailed, but you get the idea). She said that it was nothing that he did wrong, it wasn’t “his fault” and that if he wanted to fix it, he could, but if he didn’t, that was ok too. “There is nothing wrong with you” she said.

I fought back the tears! He is now 11 and members of my family and friends, and complete strangers still ask, and are still frustrated that I won’t “do anything about it”. They fear that he will be made fun of in middle school. Each and every time, I ask him if anyone makes fun of him, if it bothers him, etc. I get a clear “no” every time.

For years, I have “meant” to blog about this, primarily for anyone out there who may be searching the internet like I did. I was actually prompted to now because my son and I recently went to an event where a energy healer stopped him in the lobby and immediately began to try to “heal” him. Which attracted the attention of an “intuitive” (yes, it was a diverse group of people to say the least!) who began fussing about how his energy field was being compromised, etc. (He blushed a little, but just smiled. On the way out he said “I know, they were just trying to help mom”)

I’m not debating his energy field, or anything else.  The point of this post really isn’t about “toe-walking” per se. It is about the bigger picture and the “aha” moment that it recently gave me.

How many times are we confident about something, but let someone else take that away?
How many times are we sure that we are ok, until someone tells us that we aren’t?
How many times do we believe that we are doing the right thing, until someone else questions us.
How many times do we “have faith” until someone else says “how can you?”
How many times do we think we aren’t good enough, or that we are somehow “broken” just because we don’t walk like everyone else?
How many times do we feel like we need to change who we are, simply because someone MIGHT make fun of us!?! (when it hasn’t even happened yet!)

The world is full of “well meaning people” who have their own story. Often times they have a pretty screwed up story! They aren’t any smarter, or more enlightened than we are, and yet we let them create our story. We let them change our story. We let them decide who or what we should be. We let them tell us how we should “walk through life”.

Unless of course, you are an amazing 11 year old boy who likes himself just the way he is.