Those who know me know me as someone who is perpetually happy and optimistic. I wasn’t always that way, but have thankfully cultivated that attitude over a lifetime.

I have experienced many many losses in my lifetime and have learned more about grief, burnout, depression, etc in the last 6 months than I ever thought I knew. In fact, I have coined a name for it: GOBD – “Grief, overwhelm, burnout, depression. I will write about that experience one day in more details, but for today this is what I feel moved to share:

What I have learned:

• I have learned is that ‘burnout’ comes in many ugly colors (and it sucks bad!)
• I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter what you call it, it isn’t fun!
• I have learned that unresolved grief doesn’t go away, it just stays inside & piles up w/the next
• I’ve learned that grief isn’t just about losing a loved one. We often need to grieve other losses in life too
• I’ve learned that simply choosing to focus on the good is sometimes easier said than done
• I’ve learned that there is no ‘quick and easy checklist’ to work through it
• I’ve learned that ‘the journey’ through it often brings awareness of things you don’t necessarily want to know at the time
• I’ve learned that there is a rainbow on the other side of the darkness
• I’ve learned that faith is the most powerful thing in the world
• I’ve learned that sometimes life doesn’t just give you lemons, sometimes it pounds you down with them too
• I’ve learned that there are things in life that you simply cannot control. Sometimes you can only control the way that you respond or react, other times all you can do is ‘ride the wave’.
• I’ve learned that ALL of it makes us who we are, and who we were meant to be
• I’ve learned that sometimes the best thing that you can do is find SOMETHING that will make you feel a little better for the moment
• I’ve learned that there are tiny gems of inspiration everywhere, you just have to look for them.

This little gem showed up in my email this morning, and I thought it summed it up well:

The Farmer’s Donkey
By: Author Unknown

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal
cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out
what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the
well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn’t worth
it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into
the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening
and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement, he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked
down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With
every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was
doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take
a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top
of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up
over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and
take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Les Brown once said “if you’re in hell, move! Don’t stay there!” Truly a great quote, but sometimes I know it seems easier said than done. So if you ever feel like you’re in hell, just take a step up, and then another…you will eventually get to the other side and there you will find the rainbows waiting.

Photo by Rainbow Farm Photography

I would appreciate your thoughts! Please share any other suggestions that you may have for dealing with life’s journey!

 

This is one of my all time favorite poems.

Live each day to the fullest, by SH Payer

I don’t read a lot of poetry, but this one has stayed with me, and lifted me up many times over the years.

I hope that it will do the same for you.

Live Each Day to the Fullest…

Live each day to the fullest.
Get the most from each hour, each day,
and each age of your life.
Then you can look forward with confidence.
and back without regrets.
S.H. Payer

Be yourself- but be your best self.
Dare to be different
and to follow your own star.

And don’t be afraid to be happy.
Enjoy what is beautiful.
Love with all your heart and soul.
Believe that those you love, love you.

Forget what you have done for your friends,
and remember what they have done for you.
Disregard what the world owes you, and
concentrate on what you owe the world.

When you are faced with decisions,
make that decision as wisely as possible
then forget it.
The moment of absolute certainty
never arrives.

And above all, remember that
God helps those who help themselves.
Act as if everything depended upon you,
and pray as if everything depended upon God.

 

We all know people who some would call “pollyanna” and others that would be [kindly] labeled ‘negative nellies’. There are, of course a whole host of others in between (drama queens, Debbie downer, etc).

I fall on the higher end of the ‘positive’ spectrum, most of the time, but I didn’t used to. Contrary to popular belief, you aren’t just ‘born that way’ and the excuse ‘I was raised that way’ doesn’t fly too well with me either. I dispel both of those myths.

So why is it that some people are positive and some are negative?

Well, there are a lot of reasons. The first is awareness. Most positive people choose to be. Negative folks are often unaware that they are, or at least they believe that it is their circumstances, not ‘them’.

They are the ‘realistic people’…

They are the:

• ‘you have to be prepared for the worst’ people,

• the ‘don’t set yourself up for failure people’ and

• the ‘that’s impossible’ people

…all rolled up into one. Unfortunately, those people live and breathe on this planet with the rest of us, and in order to preserve their belief that it’s all out of their control, they need to suck the rest of us into their stinking thinking. They aren’t necessarily aware in any way, they just know that the way they think is ‘the right way’ and even if it’s not, they don’t want to hear it.

They wrap themselves up in a blanket of ‘logic’ and ‘reason’ and loads of evidence to support their belief.

They are prepared, and they are not ‘kidding themselves’.

They are ruled by fear. Fear of disappointment, fear of hurt and sometimes, fear of taking responsibility.

The ‘reality’ is that there is more than enough evidence that supports the power of positive thinking. There is more than enough evidence to prove that the world is filled with hope and possibility. Unfortunately, those things are only visible to those who choose to see it. It is invisible to those who are convinced that it isn’t there.

So what do you do?

How do you protect yourself from the Hope Snatchers?

1. First comes faith. In fact, this post should probably be called Invasion of the Faith Snatchers, but I didn’t want folks to get all tripped up on that word. For some that makes their head go off and imagine evangelicals and that isn’t what I mean at all. Faith comes in many forms. Faith in God, faith in yourself, faith in mankind, the world, etc. With faith there is hope and possibility. Without it?

2. Smile and silently say to yourself “they are simply unaware” (thanks to Leslie Flowers for that mantra. I have worn it out!

3. Choose whether to engage. In some cases, I think people need to be called out. If you know them well, believe that they just don’t realize how negative they are, or simply feel like you have to, call them on it. Do it nicely, but say something like “wow, did anything good happen today?” Or direct them to shift by saying something like “so what can you do about it?” Or, you can politely say something like “I understand your point of view, mine is a little different, but I can appreciate yours…”

4. Tune OUT. More often than not, this may be the best way to go. As a friend of mine once pointed out “do you really think they are going to listen to you and say Oh my God! How could I have been so wrong all these years. I had no idea! Thank you for saving me!” So, tuning them out will preserve your sanity and save you from pounding your head into the wall. Unless they are choosing to be in a conversation about the value of being positive, the moment in time that they are in full blown ‘realistic mode’ is probably not the time to try to change them. Nod, smile and sing “Over the rainbow” in your head until their lips stop moving.

5. Detox. If you walk away and find that in spite of your best efforts, you were infected anyway (it is contagious afterall!), then immediately detox. Do NOT allow yourself to play it over and over in your head. Turn on some music, play a funny or inspiring video. For me the fastest way is to whip out a pen and start writing down all of the things that I am grateful for (which often includes not being like them:). Gratitude will edge out just about any negative emotion faster than anything else!

6. Avoid. Then there is always the ‘avoid them’ approach. You can love them at a distance, without allowing them in your space. Now, I get some resistance to this one sometimes. People will say ‘but they need your help! they need you to lift them up!’. Some people are open to help, others are not. Sometimes you have to use your best judgement to figure out who is who. In either case, as I said before, if they are in a rant, they probably just want to wallow in it for the moment and that is not the best time. If you struggle yourself with being positive, it is even more important to avoid the Hope snatchers until you are stronger. Having a negative attitude is a habit. Don’t set yourself up if you are still trying to break it. You wouldn’t tell someone who is trying to quit smoking that they should go sit in a smoke filled bar and try to help the patrons quit!

7. Meditate. I don’t mean you have to sit cross-legged and hum or anything, but closing your eyes and having a nice calm image in mind, or having a nice calming and affirming conversation with yourself while taking slow deep breaths really does help! You know how you would mentally calm yourself when kids would get on your last nerve? Yeah, do that.

8. Create your own way. Lastly, create your own way. I have an imaginary ‘warrior’ that I jokingly call upon to kick the negative voices in my own head (hey, it makes me shift, makes me laugh. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t). If you love to run, bike, sing, whatever, do that!

Whatever you do, remember:

• it IS a choice!

• “Realistic” is a word used almost exclusively to suck the faith and hope and possibility out of anyone. Remember that there are millions of examples of “unrealistic possibilities” coming true! The lightbulb wasn’t realistic before it was invented, neither was the personal computer, the cell phone, a man walking on the moon…There are millions of people who survived when there was “0 chance”.

• Happiness and hope are available to all of us. Don’t let anyone snatch yours!

(and just in case you’re interested, I just ordered this button! Click on the picture to order yours

 

My 11 year old son is a “toe-walker”. Simply put, he walks on his toes (on the balls of his feet) instead of with his feet flat on the ground. All children do when they first start walking, but they “are supposed to stop” around age 2. When he was in preschool, his teacher expressed concern and so I questioned his pediatrician about it (again!). In fact, every time I had seen a different doctor over the years, I had asked the same question. Each and every time, I was told “it’s nothing to be concerned about”.

When he was in the first grade, his teacher told me that one of the parents had noticed, and expressed concern. She said that he was a physical therapist, and that he had only ever seen this in patients with Muscular Dystrophy. My heart seemed to stop, and the wave of panic began. I don’t remember the rest of the conference, only calling the doctor’s office on the way home and demanding an appointment! I spent the entire weekend researching on the internet and becoming increasingly upset. My husband told me that I was overreacting and I simply pointed out that there was NOTHING on the internet that said that it was “normal”. Nowhere! Every post was either about cerebal palsy or muscular dystrophy!

On Monday morning, the pediatrician assured me (without even watching him walk by the way) that he did not have either and I really should not be concerned. Since she also said that she had “researched it over the weekend”, I decided that her opinion was not enough. I then took him to a neurologist who said that it could be for a number of reasons, but the only way to be sure was a full body MRI under general anesthesia. He said that in any case, he wouldn’t worry about it unless or until it caused a problem. He explained how he could do stretching exercises and we went on our way.

I tried a number of times to get him to do the stretches, and he replied “but I like walking this way. I would remind him occasionally to try walking on his feet, but was always careful not to make a big deal of it.

Years later I was at a March of Dimes function where I listened to the parents of their “poster child” speak about their experience with their extremely premature daughter. The proudly announced “today you would never even know that she was born so early. She has none of the typical “side effects”, she’s not even a toe-walker.” I practically tackled them on their way out to ask about the statement. Apparently that is a common side effect of being more prematurely!

As first I was angry. Why hadn’t any of the 12 doctors that I had asked told me this? In any case, I was relieved. It did not however, stop others from asking, and commenting and being concerned! Year after year, I would be questioned by others, and left feeling like I was somehow “uncaring” because I was not concerned.

At age 9, I took my son to a new pediatrician for an unrelated issue. Since it was something of a routine for me now, I asked her about it. She turned to my son and explained that when he was born, his brain simply did not tell that “part” of his body to stretch out (explanation was a bit more detailed, but you get the idea). She said that it was nothing that he did wrong, it wasn’t “his fault” and that if he wanted to fix it, he could, but if he didn’t, that was ok too. “There is nothing wrong with you” she said.

I fought back the tears! He is now 11 and members of my family and friends, and complete strangers still ask, and are still frustrated that I won’t “do anything about it”. They fear that he will be made fun of in middle school. Each and every time, I ask him if anyone makes fun of him, if it bothers him, etc. I get a clear “no” every time.

For years, I have “meant” to blog about this, primarily for anyone out there who may be searching the internet like I did. I was actually prompted to now because my son and I recently went to an event where a energy healer stopped him in the lobby and immediately began to try to “heal” him. Which attracted the attention of an “intuitive” (yes, it was a diverse group of people to say the least!) who began fussing about how his energy field was being compromised, etc. (He blushed a little, but just smiled. On the way out he said “I know, they were just trying to help mom”)

I’m not debating his energy field, or anything else.  The point of this post really isn’t about “toe-walking” per se. It is about the bigger picture and the “aha” moment that it recently gave me.

How many times are we confident about something, but let someone else take that away?
How many times are we sure that we are ok, until someone tells us that we aren’t?
How many times do we believe that we are doing the right thing, until someone else questions us.
How many times do we “have faith” until someone else says “how can you?”
How many times do we think we aren’t good enough, or that we are somehow “broken” just because we don’t walk like everyone else?
How many times do we feel like we need to change who we are, simply because someone MIGHT make fun of us!?! (when it hasn’t even happened yet!)

The world is full of “well meaning people” who have their own story. Often times they have a pretty screwed up story! They aren’t any smarter, or more enlightened than we are, and yet we let them create our story. We let them change our story. We let them decide who or what we should be. We let them tell us how we should “walk through life”.

Unless of course, you are an amazing 11 year old boy who likes himself just the way he is.

 

This time of year we all reflect on what we are thankful for. Even though many are facing challenging times, the luckiest of us have the capacity to be thankful. Few however, know how incredibly powerful gratitude can be. Gratitude is nature’s greatest equalizer. No matter who you are, how much you have, where you came from, you can conquer sadness, depression and stress (among other things) by choosing to be thankful. Greater than any antidepressant, gratitude is the ultimate cure because sadness and gratitude cannot coexist in the same space at the same time. In other words, sadness cannot exist in a grateful heart.
Gratitude also puts us on a path to attract abundance unlike anything else.

Hope is sometimes more challenging for us. We are often bombarded by the “news” and it’s “predictions” of extended recessions, increasing layoffs, disappointing shopping seasons, and the like. It’s easy to not only lose sight of what we have to be thankful for, but to find hope of greater things to come.

I think Andy Andrews says it best (from AndyAndrews.com)

In addition, I have discovered proof of hope that has consistently lifted my heart, mind, and spirit to a point of forward motion. Very simply, it is this:

* Even in the worst of times, I must remember that I am still breathing.
* If I am still breathing, that means that I am still here.
* If I am still here, that means that I have not completed what I was put here to do.
* If I have not completed what I was put here to do, that means that my very purpose has not been fulfilled.
* If my very purpose has not been fulfilled, that means that the most important part of my life has yet to be lived.
* If the most important part of my life has yet to be lived, then it doesn’t really matter how old I am or how broke I am, how long I’ve tried or how depressed I might be … Here, at last, is proof that the best part of my life is ahead of me! Without a doubt, there is more laughter to come, more success in my future, more children to teach, more friends to influence. There is more.

There is more … and the promise is proven by the simple fact that I am still breathing. I am still here.

for this perspective, for this hope, and for the generosity of Andy Andrews for posting it, and my ability to receive it, I am thankful.